3. The Edward Lewis Syndrome

Why is it not as simple as Roy Orbison so beautifully sings it in his song Pretty Woman? Or as simple and magical as Richard Gere and Julia Roberts act it out to be? I am not very romantically inclined and Movies like Pretty Woman generally make me want to have a few of those tidy little airplane barf bags on hand.

Although lately I find myself not-so-secretly hoping that I will hear the blaring horn of a stretch limo coming down the street, I will run to the fire escape and popping through the sun roof will be my crush of the week.

Gross. What is wrong with me?

I am not really sure why improbable, unrealistic, garbage-like thoughts have entered my man desires lately. I could blame it on Hollywood like some of the female population, or I could blame it on men being total morons like the remaining women who do not believe the former, but really where does this desire come from and is this epidemic possibly the worst of them all? Has Edward Lewis(Richard Gere) ruined it for us by creating unrealistic expectations or should we be holding out for this kind of a man?

I had a friend say to me lately that she thinks men feel less inclined to "work at it" in reference to landing a lady because casual sex has reached such a high acceptance rate. If a man can go out to the bar and take virtually any woman home with him upon knowing her for five minutes I guess there is no reason to wine and dine anymore? Casual sex is like Visa, it's so widely accepted... it's everywhere you want to be...? Right?

I wish that I could just go out, and well for lack of a better reference, swipe my Visa away and not worry about any of the emotional or physical consequences. Unfortunately, myself, my roommate, my friend Jeanne and many other women out there have been infected with the Edward Lewis syndrome. We are the ladies, who more often than not, go out to the bar with the ladies and leave with no mans cause our standards have reached astronomically high levels. We want the romance, the intimacy, the connection...not a lustful night of hot sex followed by a hung over morning, a sore crotch and a phone number you are too embarrassed to call due to the alcohol induced coital dirty talk.

Although there are a few of those illusive women whom manage to let it all go without loosing their emotional cool.

My friend Mary, the virgin saint...yeah right, is an anomaly among women. This girl has a thicker and more coveted black book than most of the A-list women in NYC. Mary pretty much runs the Wall Street Man-Market.

As the U.S. economy continues to dive there is one market investment that I would put all $552.86 of my savings into... Mary bringing home an investment banker on a Saturday night. She pretty much holds all the shares in the financial district, the bar-tenders on Water street know her, and want her. She is a Ulysses Pub regular. For those of you unfamiliar with the city Ulysses is like the Stock Exchange after party, but these brokers aren't looking to exchange stock after the market closes, they are looking for a very special exchange with our very special Miss Mary. Even after doing laps for an entire night at the bar with no luck, and it looks as though the "Mary Market" might crash for a night, she will step outside for a smoke, and meet a man on the street. ON THE FUCKING STREET! How do things like this transpire??? Suddenly her S&P 500 is on the rise again (that is her Sex and Pleasure 500). My favorite part is that like the real world market there is a strict curfew to how long the "Mary Market" is open. She pretty much has them out the door before the condom comes off. It is impressive.

Whereas, if I have a mild flirtation with a man I am in love with him for the next week. I make no attempt to contact him or see him and just play the fantasy away in my head. I imagine kissing him, sleeping with him, and even what our many many houses in various exotic locations might look like. The falling in love everyday factor does comply with my New Phase goals, but for real, my Edward Lewis syndrome and search for true love totally inhibits any chance that I may have to even casually date someone. Where is the happy medium between Edward Lewis and the escapades of my socialite friend Mary?

I feel as though I have identified many illnesses in the past three segments and still come up with few cures. I wish there was a simple prescription I could write. I would think that I would have to be on a pretty high dosage of ANTI- W.W.V.-BIOTICS seeing that I tried to call Palo a few days ago. Thank God the call wouldn't go through. I think Jesus s trying to tell me something...

I would like to take the easy way out and say that finding love will at least bring light to how to conquer these diseases if not cure them entirely. Realistically I think love can, but the love affair can't be with a man...it has to be more unexpected and more versatile than a relationship with any man. I know right now that I love the following, and for now that will have to help me stay healthy...and away from the Wayne's World Virus and other related illnesses and syndrome's...and maybe after all of this Richard Gere will come riding up my block...or maybe not but I will always have a love for:

1. Brooklyn
2. The Polish bread I buy
3. Arri
4. Building cameras
5. Watching the subway roar into the station
6. The city
7. Cape Cod
8. Camp
9. Minnesota
10. Skiing
11. The wilderness
12. Costa Rica
13. SAS

And I have a feeling this kinda love might last forever...who needs a man...?