The Three Epidemics: 1. He looks like a Q-tip Sleeping Sickness. 2. Shock and Awe Hypo-man-cemia 3. The Edward Lewis Syndrome

As I discussed in my previous entry I have decided that I have a pretty serious epidemic. WWV, which may sound like some new age women's wrestling federation, but it actually stands for Wayne's World Virus. My symptoms have lead to a few lingual run-ins with my ex, Palo, since our break up last October.

Our often tipsy encounters are like a not-so-fantastic game of Monopoly. You know, the times when your opponent holds all the astronomical real-estate and you are desperatly grasping Water Works, Reading Railroad and the rickety hotels that you have on Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue just to stay in game. You clutch tightly to what you have left by a thread hoping that maybe you will roll an 11 and land on free parking. Then the free parking dream starts to dwindle as you slowly mortgage the four properties you have left...and eventually the real estate tycoon does take it all.

My on-again off again moments with Palo sound a lot prettier when you compare it to a Parker Brothers game...but somehow I ended up being the shack on Baltic Avenue and my Ex the real estate tycoon, and like most shanty neighborhoods today my Ex bull dozed me right over and is planning to find some shiny new girl...or rather, put up some glossy new high rise on the old streets of Baltic avenue.

For fucks sake...why do I go back for more?

Well because I have WWV. However, I am determined not to let this high roller take it all. But I am not going to try and stay in the game due to some lucky roll of the dice for my big free parking break. I am not really sure where to go from here...how do both the heart stealing tycoon and the shack in shanty town create a win win situation?

I started to notice that I was not the only one with a serious post break up illness. In fact I have witnessed and can diagnose three major sicknesses in the last week. Why is it that so many beautiful, powerful and strong women fall ill to this post break up CRAP? Will someone please call the center for disease control we may actually have a Pandemic on our hands! You may think this is a little dramatic, but not only have I witnessed these illnesses in action, but I myself have shown symptoms of the following from time to time. I am just as sick as the ladies who I love and cherish who I mention in the next three sections. (all names have been changed in compliance with new medical privacy laws of New York State, see Section 8 Paragraph XVI of the New York State Law Book).

1. He looks like a Q-Tip Sleeping Sickness

About a month ago my friend Jeanne ended a two and half year relationship nearly over night. Basically if I had to make a simple flow chart of what happened it would look like this:

Jeanne and Marco go to Cosco. Marco has a meltdown and says he never wants to get married or have children.
Jeanne says this would have been nice to know two years ago. Jeane
tells Marco she is leaving. That night Jeanne calls her Mom.

Two days later Jeanne's Mom flies in, they pack up Jeanne's life and move her home, a quarter of the way across the country.

Short. Sweet. Too the point and OVER in the blink of an eye...but not without some kind of a price could she escape her last relationship.

As I have done many a-times after a break up I dust off the little black book and try to get back in the game. After two and a half years- or nearly four in my case- that little black book has dwindled down to, maybe, a few names of fun loving, attractive, and light hearted hook ups that are worth revisiting. Upon Jeanne's return to her hometown she did exactly as I would have and made the usual phone calls. To all the friends and possible networking opportunities in the surrounding area and most importantly to those last flings she had before she met Marco.

This is where the sickness takes over.

Jeanne met for drinks with Peter an available twenty something, endearing and kind hearted, man whom she had shared a few nights of casual and marginal sex with...pre-Marco. Jeanne was excited to see him again and he already texted her a message declaring that is was "hot" that she was back in town.

As I had expected my phone rang later that evening after their post drinks and possibly post coital date. To my surprise the conversation went as follows:

Me: So how was it?

Jeanne: Eh. I mean it was good to see him but...

Me: But what? What's wrong? Is he seeing someone?

Jeanne: No, well he sorta has this one girl but...

Me: But what?

Jeanne: He was so tall, and his hair is so blonde, and he is just kinda pasty...and he kinda looks like a Q-tip...

Now this is where I give Jeanne a lot of credit. Knowing myself, and I would assume other women out there, I would have found some redeeming quality about him(or had enough cocktails to find something redeeming) to try and spend the night with him. The reason behind the sleepover being that after a break up it is weird to stay on "your side of the bed" when no one else is on the other. It becomes easier to bring a guy home- Q-tip looking or not- simply to fill that void in the Queen size bed that you invested in with your last serious leading man.

Thus the name..."He looks like a Q-tip Sleeping Sickness," which is really about keeping that other side of the bed warm while trying to sort out the emotional implosion of your last relationship. Is anyone with me out there?

I managed to curtail this disease slightly during my last break up by getting my roommate to share a bed with me instead of some random fellow I happened to meet on a street corner. (Not to mention that my roommate, Taylor, and I also developed a rat infestation in her bedroom which forced her to be my bedmate as well. I never thought that I would be thankful for having a rodent problem)...?

None the less I commend Jeanne on being able to escape the Sleeping Sickness. She didn't take home a bed warmer...but it may also have been driven by the fact that she moved back in with her parents. The Jury is still out, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt.