To drink, or not to drink the cult Kool Aid...

I realize that in the past few weeks I fallen off the "blog wagon." I can tell you right now it is not because I have met some fabulous man and run off with him. Quite the contrary in fact.

This summer has blown by, as I can see it quickly drawing to a close in the next few weeks. The end of August is approaching and what have I really accomplished in the first quarter of the new phase?

Well I passed my Local 600 Cinematographers guild exam. I guess that was not directly on the list of things to do, but it kinda was at the same time. So it is official, for all of the starving artist friends that I have in my life, I am sorry, but I joined the so called"block-buster" film making union. My only hope is that by joining this union it will bring in more funds. Allowing me to create fresh projects of my own on the side. This opportunity, like that of my job at Arriflex, has thrown me down the rabbit hole of my career even farther. The deeper I get the closer I get to the success I am looking for...I hope.

And down I tumble...chasing something I am not sure I understand. Something that may end up to be a figment of my imagination. I wonder if Alice really knew what she was chasing after?

I have reached a moment in life that is all too surreal. I am hungry but always full. I am partying but sleeping. I am light but heavy. I am in love but not at all. I am lonely but fulfilled.

I am indifferent. I need to shake up my life again. I am going out and not meeting anyone interesting. I am going out and not meeting anyone funny. I am going out and not meeting anyone...PERIOD.

I purposely and shamefully did not blog about my most recent interactions with Palo. Thank god he is living in Los Angeles currently. We were still speaking on the phone until recently.

BAD!

After our last conversation which ended in my usual embarrassing statement, "I just don't understand why you don't want to be together?" Then his usual unclear response, "It's just not the right time." Whatever the fuck that means? I can't really believe that I wait around for him. On a daily basis I let my female delusional mind get a hold of me. On my way home from work I still turn the corner to my house close my eyes, slowly open them and hope that he is standing there outside my house with flowers, or a cake or a fucking pony...something that is totally ridiculous in order to WOO me back to him. All I really want is to have that big Jerry Maguire moment " you complete me" style interaction. Yeah...I am nuts. He is not that into me, and I should review that fantastic little book to remind me that if he were he would be on my doorstep waiting to make passionate love, early morning meeting or not.

D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L ...it's like setting myself up for failure at the end of ever work day.

Instead I saw that I was already on this path to selling out, with my decision to join the Cinematographers Guild and well, I told Palo to let me go and...


I JOINED MATCH.COM


I figured that I might as well jump on the band wagon and really chug that cult kool aid. it seems like everyone these days is participating in some dating fad like Match or Speed Dating or God forbid Craigslist Missed Connections. I just need the dating experience at this point since my man-confidence has been widdled down to the size of a tooth pick. A girl can only take so much rejection.

I know that Alice weighed her options carefully, "If you take this you will grow smaller, but if you take this one you will grow bigger."

My options were similar, " You can drink the red Kool Aid and wait around for the wrong guy and grow less, or you can drink the blue Kool Aid and look for a new guy, go on a lot of bad dates, but grow lots and lots...and if you are lucky you might meet someone interesting."

I guess not entirely the same as Alice, but you get the gist.

And at this point I am not just drinking or chugging the blue Kool Aid. I am swimming in it. My goal is to go on as many dates as I can in the next month. I need to get my dating confidence back on track and ditch that dead beat Palo who never really knew what he threw away. (Every heartbroken girl says that I realize, but we all know it is actually true this time. He was nothing without me. HA!)

So here we go Alice, it is you, me and the Kool Aid- the guild plus Match.com...looks like I am actually drinking a lot of the forbidden juices, or we shall see.