This is drugs. This is your brain on...

"This is drugs. This is your brain on drugs."

I have noticed lately that I have had trouble remembering things. I forgot my cell phone at home twice last week. I forgot to file an entire contract at work. I have been waking up at four in the morning like clockwork for a week no matter what time I go to bed. Yesterday I was making a BLT and I forgot the T.

What the hell is going on here?

It is not out of character for me to be flaky, but this is a high point of FLAKE-DOM for me. It's like I took my face, put it in a large helium inflated latex glove and inhaled my own recycled carbon dioxide and helium for a week. I have been floating around in this alternate, out-of-body, state of mind trying to figure out if I have brain cancer...or...well... a certain something that is far worse.

"This is crush. This is your brain on crush."

Yes, how frustrating. I have a mother-fucking crush. Crushes are like a life time of sexual tension and teen angst all rolled into one. That is how I feel when I'm not in the same room as him. When I am in the same room as him it's like that scene from India Jones and the Temple of Doom when that guy gets his heart ripped out of his chest by another man's bare hands and then they throw him down a huge fire pit. Yeah...it's like that. Pretty intense.

Let's examine some fun attributes of crushing:
1. He usually has no idea I exist. Especially in New York since I often develop a crush on a mysterious man in my subway car in a nano-second. Subway's...what a hot bed of sexual tension!

2. Or we can know each other very well, in fact we are often great friends. We are often so close that he never sees me as an option

3. In my experience extreme crushes are usually only on the MOST UNAVAILABLE MEN ON THE PLANET. It sucks that it often makes a man more appealing...? Why is the chase the best part?

4. Even if a crush is realized any kind of dating or involvement usually ends quickly. It is short, sweet and to the point. The fantasy is over and in most cases I quickly realize..."That ain't it."

Then it is back to the drawing board, only to be faced with the fact that another crush lies in the not so distant future. I have to go through all that agonizing, helium sucking, heart tearing dizziness all over again just to be left with no direction, no make-out session, and no hope for achieveing intimacy. I guess that is why it is called a crush...there is nothing pleasant sounding about the actual idea of being physically crushed.

As I mentioned I have been feeling a little...or a LOT dizzy from this whole thing. It really came out of nowhere, and he has all of the above nasty crush attributes: we're great friends, he's clueless, most likely more afraid of commitment than me, and has a certain too good to be true quality. I have been feeling a little mentally ill from the whole thing. I have been doing the typical insane female thing by perpetually slinging loaded questions at my psyche. If I had to put it into text it would look something like this:

My brain on crush:

"Hewaitsformeafterworktowalkmehome.Hemustlikeme.
Youdon'twaitunlessyoulikesomeone.
Butheissuperwholesome.Thatiswhatwholesomeguysdo.
Theywaitfortheirfriends.
Hewenttoamoviewithmeafterwork.
Butwearefriendsandthatiswhatfriendsdo.
Hefindsexcusestotalktome.Healwayscomestomewithquestions.
MaybehejustthinksIamsmart.
Hesmilesatmelikehelikesme.Maybeheisafraidtomakeamove?
Maybeheisafraidbecasueweworktogether?
ButIwillbegoneinthreemonths.
Nothingcouldgothatwronginthreemonths?
Igetit.He'sjustnotthatintome. Itisfine.Wecanbefriends.
Maybewecoulddate.
Ifeellikeweshouldatleasttry.
ButIreallyjustwanttomakeoutwithhim.
Ibethislipsaresoft.
Theylookreallysoft..."

Welcome to my insanity. In a total New York moment yesterday I had a huge epiphany. I was at the bar with my friend Dean spinning my crush possibilites in my head for the one-millionth time. I got up to use the ladies room and just inside the gummy dive bar swinging stall doors was the answer to all my problems. All I had to do was read the writing on the wall. Quite literally the graffito on the women's stall door staring right back at me as I hovered over the urine covered seat read:

"Mental illness is Freadom."

I give the author even more credit for their tactful spelling error. It is totally okay to be a little crazy. Infact, most people are really kinda crazy, and the ones who conceal the crazy the best are the MOST crazy. If my crush is going to make me act a little crazy, and push me to have fantasy's about making out in the elevator at work then so be it! As my mother would say, "Can't change it. Can't control it. Gotta learn to live with it."

I have been boy crazy all my life and I can't control it, and I am just going to try and embrace it. I am not really sure what this means for my crush. Most likely I will never do anything about it. I would love to roll into work in the morning and just give him one of those really full bodied, all lips kinda smooches...but you know what...it might be better to keep the fantasy. Relationships are messy. This way we can be friends and I can still have my dreams.

However, I know that if the situation presented itself I would not hesitate to pounce on my crush. After all it is always best to try the shoe on, walk around in it for a little while, see how it fits, and if it doesn't fit there is always another shoe... and another crush.

I feel much more menatally frea now...maybe my crush will ask me out for dinner...?

Pffffffff... I'm crazy.