Glass Filters and Heavy Things

Spaceship Mayday, Focus System Threat

Dedicated to my friend MHR.

At my place of work we have hundreds of blue buckets. We use them to sort out camera gear upon return from a shoot. In one bucket go the focus systems and anything with a screw and a joint. In another bucket go the glass filters. In the last bucket go the heavy things.

My friend Mike once told me that some professor's or great minds of the world view the human brain like a bucket. The mind begins empty, waiting to fulfill its purpose. It waits to be stuffed full of junk. It is vast and endless, like a sink hole that holds bits of knowledge, fun facts and best of all (according to Mike) history. If Mike is right, and my mind is like a blue bin, what are my focus systems and anything with a screw and a joint, my glass filters, and my heavy things?

What does my history bucket look like?


Focus system and anything with a screw or a joint in it:

Most mornings I walk out my front door and board the 7:15am L train feeling like I am getting on a NASA space ship. Myself and the rest of the early morning crew are shuttled off to work like being carted out to the runway to prepare for take off. As I breeze through the doubled paned glass doors at work I get this overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. I am groggy, a little disgruntled, and tired of the tedium. Then suddenly my boss hands me a job that reads like a film nerds technical catastrophe. I feel like I have just been named captain of the space shuttle by some glitch in the system. Taking off in T-minus one hour.

Shit.
I
barely
got
through
the
rocket
science
instruction
manual
on
the
way
to
the
office.
Shit.

My life is like a rocket. Not really like rocket science. How in the hell am I supposed to stay focused? Maybe if I just press the big green button that says 'GO' the take off will be smooth? I kinda did hit that when I moved to New York. I hit the big green 'GO' button back in the summer of 2007 launching myself from Boulder, Colorado into a whole new level of the atmosphere. Needless to say the take off still commences, it is really turbulent, and at least once a day I have to use my left hand to hold my right hand back from hitting the red 'EJECT' button. I am so tousled from all the turbulence that the two halves of my body and hemispheres of my brain are fighting each other.

Over lunch with Mike this week he told me about the brain. He says, and I know he is quoting some smart person's work that I cannot remember, none the less, he says:

"The brain is one entity, but each half operates independently from the other. Different activities satisfy separate parts of the brain. "

He is a historian, and a raft guide. He is most happy when he is using his body to propel a raft down the river, while also dishing out fun facts about the canyons that surround himself and his group. He is using both halves of his brain, and appeasing each side by doing very different things. He is full, he is whole, he is utilizing the best of both hemispheres. He feels complete in those moments.

Meanwhile I am still stuck in an unknown layer of the atmosphere, on a spaceship to somewhere while trying to get both of my hemispheres to work together. Lost much?

FOCUS?

I am trying to focus on my betterment. On my health and well being. On doing what is best for me at this moment. But really I am just feeling jiggly. My head it jiggly wondering if I will ever actually get to freelance full time? Will anyone ever call me to work on a movie? Will the economy ever make a comeback so that people can afford to see movies? Will I ever get to make another movie of my own? Will I ever be able to afford a gym membership so that my ass will be less jiggly? If my ass is jiggly will I ever find a man that will love me even if I have a jiggly ass? NO MORE JIGGLE! I want to throw on a straight jacket and duck tape my ass to the space shuttle cockpit seat so that at least I can be in sync with the jiggle.

Maybe that is what life is all about. Not fighting the turbulence, but rather riding the rhythm. Like riding a horse bareback, if I fight the motion I will fall off, but if I connect and make myself one with the horse we will fly.

I must stop fighting my emotions. I can only take off, and focus, if I let go of hiding from how I really feel. It's hard to get back on the horse again after I have been off the openly emotional wagon since I quit summer camp.

My life is not perfect.
That is okay.
My life is not always happy.
That is okay.
I am not always happy.
It is okay.
I cannot only talk to my blog about how I feel.
Voice on voice action is okay.

maybe i will have to start with a whisper. but i really should start. or else i may not be able to keep myself screwed and jointed together, in which case i will end up in the red bucket at work.

RED BUCKET: IRREPARABLE INVENTORY, PLEASE NOTE: MAKE, MODEL AND SERIAL NUMBER. SEND TO ARRIFLEX CAMERA HEADQUARTERS FOR REPLACEMENT.

just focus on letting it out. and let it go.




thank you for being at lunch mhr, for listening, and being in the right place when I needed it most, you always have great bits of emotional wisdom for my bucket. i am hoping to squeeze out a tear soon for no reason at all accept that i think i need to.

38 Things Technology Has Shown Me

Technology is a really magnificent creation. I recently joined the droves of the technologically plugged in by purchasing my first iPhone. I now live a life of ease. Text messaging has become simple, no more frustrating T9 word to deal with. I can check my email at any moment, and my phone sounds an adorable little ding when I have received a new little note. Best of all I have total access to Facebook.

Technology sucks. Remember when break ups were simple and uncomplicated? That is at least they were somewhat easy to get away from. It used to be so much simpler to cut ties. Remember before the cell phone age when it was pretty damn difficult to get a hold of someone? Before the internet the only way to get a status update was if the ex left a voice message on the old fashioned magnetic tape answering machine. Even back then there was the occasional message that I saved from some guy I would never see again. Back in the day it was always easy for me to delete ex-messages from my answering machine; that may also be because I was 18 the last time that I owned one an answering machine. I don’t think that I had actually fallen in love yet either.

Now with Facebook and Twitter there is a constant feed.

“Palo is moving to Califonia.”

“Palo is working on some great commercial”

“Palo is now friends with some hot ass twenty year old blonde fetus girl who posts videos of him on her Facebook page.”

Okay so maybe I have done a little hunting around since Palo and I were never Facebook friends. (That should have been a red flag after four years). I have established my insanity in previous entries so I take no issue admitting that I am totally nuts. It is complete S&M to secretly check on him.

Last week my boss told me that I need to let go…

I have successfully blocked Palo from the following:

My Gmail
My iPhone
My iChat
My iCal

But I cannot seem to take the next step and block him from my Facebook. And upon my latest search I noticed on the left hand side of the screen a connection that I cannot block:

“You and Palo have 38 friends in common”



iWant my life back.



Yes, as the ultimate includer, sharer and team player I think that I just experience the ultimate torture: Death by 1,000 cuts…or rather 38 common stabs. I managed to suture Palo so deeply into my life and for what? Some bogus learning experience?

iLearned that it is dangerous to get involved.
iLearned that it is hard to share everything with someone.
iLearned that people change.


iWant to ride the train in the morning and not have something remind me of him.
iWant to go to a concert and not pretend that he is standing behind me.
iWant him to come home and lay with me.
iWant it to be like this again:


Email from Palo Summer 2006:

Amor...

Tonight for some reason I've got the urge to be, in your words,
"Lame". I don't do it very often, but now that I've had some time
away from you for the first time in a while certain thoughts have come
to mind that I think maybe I'll share...

I'm a very lucky guy...today on the way home I thought of all of our
little arguments, misunderstandings, all of the 'beef' and
frustrations between us...I thought about the idea of not being with
you, of losing what I've got with you...and well, I really didn't like
it.
You are one of a kind, you're so important to me, and I hope you know
inside in spite of all those times in which you think I don't give a
shit about you, or that youre "not important" to me because I might
not vocalize things enough, that you my dear are the greatest, truly a
fantastic find - "Me gusta"...and that though this time apart is
probably very good, I kinda wish we could put it on hold sometimes for
little bits at a time, like bedtime for instance on a night like this.
A snap of the fingers. CLICK. Oh here you are! (wouldn't that be
nice)...

So there you go, that was my dose of "lameness". I dont' think I can
handle any more than that and well I'm sure you can't either - I hope
I didn't make you "puke in your mouth a little bit". GROSS. Can't we
just say nice things sometimes? I think so, right? No puking. No
lame. Just a little honest and nicely communicated bit of truth.

-ANYWAY -

Consider this a 'check' to see if your e-mail works or not at camp, so
that if it does you might respond promptly and we can continue our
lovely e-memo's throughout the coming weeks.
A couple of reminders:
a) I need your address at camp.
b) You should send me the key to your house when you get a chance.
c) Enjoy yourself at camp, relax, and please for fucks sake be safe
ok...don't do anything stupid, don't go and get yourself struck by
lighting beneath a canoe or some shit or else you'll have serious
consequences on my behalf...oh and say hi to ally and dave for me, and
then also Ben if you see him.

love you much,

-PB


iNever thought it would come to this:

Email from Palo Spring 2007:


PS here are your concert tickets. Forget about the part that said hold one for me, i once wanted to go with you but you should actually do whatever the hell you want with them they’re yours.


Fwd: Your IMOGEN HEAP tickets are attached


iKnew he would be a heart breaker

iHad no idea it would be this hard or take this long to forget him.



Last encounter with Palo was November 2008. Union square subway station.

Next encounter with Palo, tomorrow morning when I wake up, and think about him on the train.


iLove what we were. iWish it could have held steady. iAm glad that we no longer have each other in common, and iHope we stay at 38 things in common. Maybe someday I will find someone who has 100 things in common with me. It might be a better fit.