Spaceship Mayday, Focus System Threat

Dedicated to my friend MHR.

At my place of work we have hundreds of blue buckets. We use them to sort out camera gear upon return from a shoot. In one bucket go the focus systems and anything with a screw and a joint. In another bucket go the glass filters. In the last bucket go the heavy things.

My friend Mike once told me that some professor's or great minds of the world view the human brain like a bucket. The mind begins empty, waiting to fulfill its purpose. It waits to be stuffed full of junk. It is vast and endless, like a sink hole that holds bits of knowledge, fun facts and best of all (according to Mike) history. If Mike is right, and my mind is like a blue bin, what are my focus systems and anything with a screw and a joint, my glass filters, and my heavy things?

What does my history bucket look like?


Focus system and anything with a screw or a joint in it:

Most mornings I walk out my front door and board the 7:15am L train feeling like I am getting on a NASA space ship. Myself and the rest of the early morning crew are shuttled off to work like being carted out to the runway to prepare for take off. As I breeze through the doubled paned glass doors at work I get this overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. I am groggy, a little disgruntled, and tired of the tedium. Then suddenly my boss hands me a job that reads like a film nerds technical catastrophe. I feel like I have just been named captain of the space shuttle by some glitch in the system. Taking off in T-minus one hour.

Shit.
I
barely
got
through
the
rocket
science
instruction
manual
on
the
way
to
the
office.
Shit.

My life is like a rocket. Not really like rocket science. How in the hell am I supposed to stay focused? Maybe if I just press the big green button that says 'GO' the take off will be smooth? I kinda did hit that when I moved to New York. I hit the big green 'GO' button back in the summer of 2007 launching myself from Boulder, Colorado into a whole new level of the atmosphere. Needless to say the take off still commences, it is really turbulent, and at least once a day I have to use my left hand to hold my right hand back from hitting the red 'EJECT' button. I am so tousled from all the turbulence that the two halves of my body and hemispheres of my brain are fighting each other.

Over lunch with Mike this week he told me about the brain. He says, and I know he is quoting some smart person's work that I cannot remember, none the less, he says:

"The brain is one entity, but each half operates independently from the other. Different activities satisfy separate parts of the brain. "

He is a historian, and a raft guide. He is most happy when he is using his body to propel a raft down the river, while also dishing out fun facts about the canyons that surround himself and his group. He is using both halves of his brain, and appeasing each side by doing very different things. He is full, he is whole, he is utilizing the best of both hemispheres. He feels complete in those moments.

Meanwhile I am still stuck in an unknown layer of the atmosphere, on a spaceship to somewhere while trying to get both of my hemispheres to work together. Lost much?

FOCUS?

I am trying to focus on my betterment. On my health and well being. On doing what is best for me at this moment. But really I am just feeling jiggly. My head it jiggly wondering if I will ever actually get to freelance full time? Will anyone ever call me to work on a movie? Will the economy ever make a comeback so that people can afford to see movies? Will I ever get to make another movie of my own? Will I ever be able to afford a gym membership so that my ass will be less jiggly? If my ass is jiggly will I ever find a man that will love me even if I have a jiggly ass? NO MORE JIGGLE! I want to throw on a straight jacket and duck tape my ass to the space shuttle cockpit seat so that at least I can be in sync with the jiggle.

Maybe that is what life is all about. Not fighting the turbulence, but rather riding the rhythm. Like riding a horse bareback, if I fight the motion I will fall off, but if I connect and make myself one with the horse we will fly.

I must stop fighting my emotions. I can only take off, and focus, if I let go of hiding from how I really feel. It's hard to get back on the horse again after I have been off the openly emotional wagon since I quit summer camp.

My life is not perfect.
That is okay.
My life is not always happy.
That is okay.
I am not always happy.
It is okay.
I cannot only talk to my blog about how I feel.
Voice on voice action is okay.

maybe i will have to start with a whisper. but i really should start. or else i may not be able to keep myself screwed and jointed together, in which case i will end up in the red bucket at work.

RED BUCKET: IRREPARABLE INVENTORY, PLEASE NOTE: MAKE, MODEL AND SERIAL NUMBER. SEND TO ARRIFLEX CAMERA HEADQUARTERS FOR REPLACEMENT.

just focus on letting it out. and let it go.




thank you for being at lunch mhr, for listening, and being in the right place when I needed it most, you always have great bits of emotional wisdom for my bucket. i am hoping to squeeze out a tear soon for no reason at all accept that i think i need to.