The Children vs. Mad Nik

Why is it all so scary all the time?



Over the last three weeks I have launched myself into actually dating someone.

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.

I am doing 120 in a school zone on a motorcycle. WTF? What about the children? The poor innocent children?

Oh- fuck the children- if they get in the way its their own fault.


The Children vs. Mad Nik

For all practical purposes of this blog entry let's just say that the children are the more rational, down to earth and sensible side of my brain. My little kid voices in my head are the ones that tell me to share with others. They tell me to listen carefully; to feel compassion for animals. They tell me to always include everyone. They don't let me worry about tomorrow, or next week or next year. They only let me worry about what I will have for snack, and if there will be some sort of nightgame-like activity at dusk. My innocent little voices in my head are harmonious. Play time is all they are really concerned about.

The innocent voices in my head are also the most cautious and concious side of myself as well. They tell me to love people but don't let them get too close. Too close = too scary. My little voices tell me to be afraid. To take caution, and if I get too scared to sleep with the light on.

The biggest of the tiny voices have been telling me for the last two years to stay away from boys. They tell me that they are gross, slimy and they are only interested in wrestling me to the ground to kiss me and nothing else.

I think the biggest of the tiny voices chant: MEN ARE BULLSHIT in high pitched, airy, whimsicle voices while I sleep at night. It is the only time of day that they can get away with such profanity, in my subconcious REM sleep state.

The tiny voices are fighting Mad Nik.

Mad Nik is still blond.
Mad Nik wears a black cat suit.
Mad Nik rides a motorcycle. BMW- Black-Vintage-Lots-o-Trouble.
Mad Nik doesn't really care what the sweet little voices in her head tell her. She doesn't really care about men, she just wants to love 'em and leave 'em. She doesn't let them get too close. At least she thinks that she never gets attached when really deep down there is a small iota of Mad Nik that knows shehas been loved, been in love and wants to love. But it is easier for her to get on her bike and ride away FAST. Mad Nik is all about the party, and the scene and the people. Mad Nik has been dormant for years but I can here her beating on my doors. She never really went away. She is the lingerie in my underwear drawer. She is the hot pink glitter in my make-up bag. She is Britney Spears in my music collection. She is here, she never left, she went on hiatus when I started dating Palo in 2003.


I feel like my mind is in the middle of a holy war. Both sides of myself are so different, but both seem to agree that men are a bad idea. Like two religious groups that both believe a piece of land is sacred but for different reasons.

The Children believe men are scary.
Mad Nik believes men are material.

Where is the real me? The one who once let herself fall so madly in love that she let it consume ever corner of her life.

I am just a scardy cat to go back there. To be cosumed by emotion.


WHAT ABOUT NATE?
What are his motivations? What is he looking for? He just moved to New York. What kind of clairty can he have? He doesn't even know how to get to W4th Street. He is graduating from college in May. Palo had a massive meltdown when he graduated. It was the beginning of the end for us. Will Nate have a meltdown? Will he soon see that he has way too much going on in his own life to possibly be apart of someone else's? Maybe he is just the biggest liar ever? His kind words are blasphemus...? I am just another conquest for him? He must have some hidden agenda...? What's in it for him? Maybe my parents are paying him?


For now, Nate is safe. I love to be around him. Everything about him makes my skin shiver. I just have to stay on the road. I have to let the real nicole take the wheel, slow down, drive the limit, and wave to the kiddies as I ride through their school zone while simultaneaously turning up the radio to drown out the "MEN ARE BULLSHIT" chant coming from the childen's cherubic faces.

'Cause I am the one that is full of shit. I can do this. Nate is great.



(take deep breath here)

Orbit?

So as I mentioned early I have seriously put life on a rocket ship- or a belnder- or in a black hole and I am not really sure which analogy best exemplifies what they hell has happened in the last couple weeks but I will try to explain- as I sort through the variety of things that have occurred since Feb 27th.

Feb. 27th: Spent 14 hours in transit on my way to Steamboat Colorado. First encounter with the dreaded Mr. Bj since I almost set him on fire on NYC last July. He tried to put some moves on- I shut that down. I think he was a little disapointed. I later learned that he has been with sveral of his "girlfriends" lately. Some things never change.

Feb 28- March 2: Skied blue sky days at Steamboat with the ladies. Much needed time with the gang.

March 3: One commercial gig phone call, and 30 ROCK call to finish the season on their camera team. Quit my job at CSC Arriflex.

March 6: Last day at Arri. Cried and partied really hard. Took a cab home with Jammer- he almost puked in the cab- hysterical situation- had to pull over- really embarassing.

March 7: Lala's sister and her fiance came over with a short bus to help us move all our stuff to our new loft in Bushwick. We did it in four trips. They my hero's. Our lives in the new place are still a total disaster. But the space will be amazing when we finish it.

March 9: Started new job at 30 ROCK. Got my ass handed to me. I have never made so many mistakes in one day. I learned that I almost always do things wrong the first time and will do them right the second time, after I have been repremanded.

March 13: Had drinks with Jammer and Nate after wrap. Needed to see my Arri boys after a long week without them. Nate walked me home, we held hands. I have had a crush on him for a few months now.

March 14: Man team came over to the apt to help us with some projects. Nate spent the night.

March 17: Wrapped 30 ROCK. On this day one year ago I started my job at Arri. Strange.

March 18 to the present: Building walls, installing kitchens, tearing up carpet, lots of painting and good times with Lala and gettting to know Nate better. Lala and I are starting a Vlog. Stayed tuned for Vlog info.

I am in total outer space- and survival mode- and a state of bliss that I have not experienced in YEARS. All such great changes all at once, maybe I finally worked off all of my bad karma from cheating on all those boyfriends of mine. I learned my lesson.

Cheating = really fucking bad Karma for 3 years.

When I mentioned landing in the last blog blurb- of course my wise friend Em says:

"Maybe you don't want to land"

I think that she is right. Maybe my little self space station is finally ready for real inter-galaxy exploration. I think that I am trying to go way more self sustainable than ever before. For now it seems to be working- I am going to take her advice and try to stay in orbit. And maybe I will even leave the orbit of my comfort zone is this galaxy for a little while and see what else the universe has in store for me.

I put my life on a rocket ship...

NEW PHASE like WHOA in the last two weeks of my life. I went to Steamboat, came back, quit my job, moved into a 1,000 sq foot loft, started working on 30 ROCK and making out with a new man...

I feel like I put my life on a rocket ship...and I have no idea where the hell I am going to land.