The Children vs. Mad Nik

Why is it all so scary all the time?



Over the last three weeks I have launched myself into actually dating someone.

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.

I am doing 120 in a school zone on a motorcycle. WTF? What about the children? The poor innocent children?

Oh- fuck the children- if they get in the way its their own fault.


The Children vs. Mad Nik

For all practical purposes of this blog entry let's just say that the children are the more rational, down to earth and sensible side of my brain. My little kid voices in my head are the ones that tell me to share with others. They tell me to listen carefully; to feel compassion for animals. They tell me to always include everyone. They don't let me worry about tomorrow, or next week or next year. They only let me worry about what I will have for snack, and if there will be some sort of nightgame-like activity at dusk. My innocent little voices in my head are harmonious. Play time is all they are really concerned about.

The innocent voices in my head are also the most cautious and concious side of myself as well. They tell me to love people but don't let them get too close. Too close = too scary. My little voices tell me to be afraid. To take caution, and if I get too scared to sleep with the light on.

The biggest of the tiny voices have been telling me for the last two years to stay away from boys. They tell me that they are gross, slimy and they are only interested in wrestling me to the ground to kiss me and nothing else.

I think the biggest of the tiny voices chant: MEN ARE BULLSHIT in high pitched, airy, whimsicle voices while I sleep at night. It is the only time of day that they can get away with such profanity, in my subconcious REM sleep state.

The tiny voices are fighting Mad Nik.

Mad Nik is still blond.
Mad Nik wears a black cat suit.
Mad Nik rides a motorcycle. BMW- Black-Vintage-Lots-o-Trouble.
Mad Nik doesn't really care what the sweet little voices in her head tell her. She doesn't really care about men, she just wants to love 'em and leave 'em. She doesn't let them get too close. At least she thinks that she never gets attached when really deep down there is a small iota of Mad Nik that knows shehas been loved, been in love and wants to love. But it is easier for her to get on her bike and ride away FAST. Mad Nik is all about the party, and the scene and the people. Mad Nik has been dormant for years but I can here her beating on my doors. She never really went away. She is the lingerie in my underwear drawer. She is the hot pink glitter in my make-up bag. She is Britney Spears in my music collection. She is here, she never left, she went on hiatus when I started dating Palo in 2003.


I feel like my mind is in the middle of a holy war. Both sides of myself are so different, but both seem to agree that men are a bad idea. Like two religious groups that both believe a piece of land is sacred but for different reasons.

The Children believe men are scary.
Mad Nik believes men are material.

Where is the real me? The one who once let herself fall so madly in love that she let it consume ever corner of her life.

I am just a scardy cat to go back there. To be cosumed by emotion.


WHAT ABOUT NATE?
What are his motivations? What is he looking for? He just moved to New York. What kind of clairty can he have? He doesn't even know how to get to W4th Street. He is graduating from college in May. Palo had a massive meltdown when he graduated. It was the beginning of the end for us. Will Nate have a meltdown? Will he soon see that he has way too much going on in his own life to possibly be apart of someone else's? Maybe he is just the biggest liar ever? His kind words are blasphemus...? I am just another conquest for him? He must have some hidden agenda...? What's in it for him? Maybe my parents are paying him?


For now, Nate is safe. I love to be around him. Everything about him makes my skin shiver. I just have to stay on the road. I have to let the real nicole take the wheel, slow down, drive the limit, and wave to the kiddies as I ride through their school zone while simultaneaously turning up the radio to drown out the "MEN ARE BULLSHIT" chant coming from the childen's cherubic faces.

'Cause I am the one that is full of shit. I can do this. Nate is great.



(take deep breath here)