RO-SHAM-SPAWKLE?

Lala dropped her new ring on the train tracks yesterday. It's a ring carved from an Agate, it sparkles lots and I love the sparkles.

We were so hungover when she dropped it, and the train was too close to jump down and get it and I was way too fucking scared to get it. I might be the man in our friendship, but I am not that crazy brave to jump down into an electrified death cavern covered in rat urine and trash. Plus, I hear the third rail is a doozey, and which is one is the third rail? Are we talking starboard or port side rail here? I mean God it's so confusing. ( I am very troubled.)

It was sure to be smashed. The little rock that was hatched from volcanic combustion thousands of years ago would be crushed by our modern travel device.

We got on the train and headed into the city. Sad. No more sparkle ring.

When we got home later that night Lauren had a brilliant plan. She is very creative when it comes to DIY innovation.


Lauren's Plan:

1. Get a stick (we used our painting pole since there are no trees in Bushwick.)
2.Put clear plastic J-lar tape sticky side out on the end.
3. Lower WOODEN stick into electrified cavern of train track death.
4. Try and resurrect pieces of sparkle rock ring.
5. Have burial/ceremony for ring carcass.

When we got to the tracks with our tape pole and sad faces we created quite the scene at the train plat form. Everyone wanted to know what we were poking at. One man offered to jump down and retrieve the ring, but when he looked in the direction of the train the lights were already visible in the tunnel as it approached us. He proclaimed loudly:

Loud Man: "The train is too close."

Me in my head: "Um, you are really sweet to offer to jump down and get the ring, and thank you for your help. Did you realize that your statement was awkwardly loud? Were you trying to let every woman on the platform know that you would be hero, but the train is too close? Now I have an uncomfortable expression on my face as I try and hold back my laughter at his ridiculously obvious statement. I just want to be polite...must hold back incredible desire to laugh."

The train came and the loud man got on.

Before the train doors closed another loud man poked his head out at us and said,

Loud Man II: "Do you need to get on the train?"

Me in my head:"Um, really? Did he just ask us that? Ahhhh....Confusion! Had my faces that I made to repress my laughter made me look disoriented? I did a mental bodily functionality check. 1. Are Lauren and I breathing? YES. 2. Do Lauren and I appear to have any physical ailments that would prevent us from getting on the train? NO. 3. Do Lauren and I appear to have any mental handicaps that would prevent us from understanding that when the train is in the station and the doors are open we should get on? Lauren, NO. Me, I don't think so...? "

(Pause)
(Process)

Conclusion: "There are a lot of people making really obvious statements. It's making me feel funny."

The train doors close and it pulls away and Lauren and I laugh and continue to poke the tracks with our tape stick, AKA our STAPE.

A close talking man then comes up to us, assess the situation and then looming over me about half an inch from my face says,

Close Talker Man: "Just when you get really frustrated and you are about to give up. That's when you take a little break, and go back again and that's when it will work."

Me in my head: "Okay that was good advice, really applicable to NEW YORK in EVERY WAY! Thank you, but why you gotta get so freaky close to my face?"

The train came and he got on. We poked around with the Stape. Suddenly, we grabbed it! The PWETTY SPAWKLE WRING! IN ONE PIECE! We jumped up and down hysterically on the platform.

Conclusion:

Thousands of year old sparkle rock could not be crushed by modern man made machine. Thousands of years of evolution show very little improvement of cave man. Thousands of years of evolution show improvement in women who have access to innovative tools like tape and stick. Evolutionary Ro-Sham-Bo winner?

Man beats sparkle rock with invention of machine. Woman beats man plan with invention of Stape. BUT, sparkle rock defies man's machine.

Sparkle rock wins.

Me in my head: " I should learn how to be like the sparkle rock and defy the man."